Hit and Stay

In local news, a man was hit by a parked car early this morning and sustained serious injuries. He was airlifted to St. Joe's Childrens hospital. Witnesses say it all happened so fast, one moment the man was walking through the parking lot and then next he was on the ground. The owner of the vehicle has been brought in for questioning, and police say they are pressing charges. According to their attorney, the victim’s family is also considering legal action. On a brighter side, the man is expected to make a full recovery; doctors can only explain it as a miracle.

This Just In

This just in folks, we have received a report that there is a tyrannosaurus rex loose in the city of Weehawken, New Jersey. Our sources indicate that this is indeed the king of dinosaurs, with its three horns and boney plate around its neck, as well as its tail spikes. It has caused wide spread pandemonium all across the town. In an emergency conference the king of the United States has declared Weehawken a total loss and has authorized the use of a full scale thermonuclear attack. And now for the weather.

Good evening. As you can see here, we are going to see some scattered showers and may experience some light rain, as well as a mild down pour. Expect to see water falling from the sky. Our extended weekend forecast calls for rain Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and you’ll see a little drizzle here and there. The next weather report will be yesterday, here on WFAK News.

Evening News

Good evening ladies and gentleman, thank you for tuning into WFAK News. Broadcasting to you live, from my parents basement. Our top news story is coming from southern California, where reports have come in that there is a zombie outbreak.

Local officials have denied such claims, however, stating that it is merely a small, containable mass of rioters who are eating the brains and the flesh of the living. They say there is no cause for alarm, and to ignore the increasing flow of military vehicles into the affected areas. Officials have stated that the governor declaring a state of emergency for California is very common, no need to worry.

Residents are asked to stay indoors and avoid travel. They are instructed to remain in their basements and if necessary everyone is to head to their nearest police station or hospital. If confronted by one of these rioters, remain still. If they persist, make lots of noise to draw attention and embarrass your assailant. Southern Californian officials insist that if these simple precautions are followed, the situation will be resolved within the next few hours. Stay tuned to WFAK News for all the latest breaking news, and now it’s time for a commercial break.

Man I have to take a massive dump, oh, yeah, those fish tacos I had for lunch are tearing me up.

Oh…uh, and now for that commercial break.

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